The Speeches

OPENING SPEECH FROM FIELD MARSHALL BRIAN 'POINTY' BLATHERSTOCK

"As you probably know, war is not a polite occupation. Bullets can injure you, bombs can squish you, tanks can run over you, and you can lose your cufflinks at very embarassing moments. War is a clash between those who are in the right, those who are in the wrong, and those with the most money. It's about right thinking men, taking up arms against an oppressor and killing them. Despite what your prep-school headmaster might have told you, war's about death, not trout fishing.

Some of you may be thinking that old soldiers like myself, glorify armed combat, To that I say, piffle. We've got the wheel, space travel, aspirin and Pot Noodles, all very wonderful inventions in their own peculiar ways, but what mankind will really be remembered for, os scrapping. Ever since one caveman bounced a rock off the cranium of his neighbour, we've been clubbing, stabbing, gutting, crushing, shooting, poisening and bombing each other. So what I've got to say to you is this. Forget about staying neutral, don't try and pretend that war sickens you, ignore those who tell you to turn the other cheek. You, a member of the human race were put on this earth to fight for your land, your honour and your cufflinks. So, up and at 'em lads. Last one into no-mans land is a big girls blouse."

SECONDARY SPEECH FROM SHERINGHAM 'BIFFER' SMITH, FORMER S.A.S. OPERATIVE

"Being in charge of soldiers isn't much fun. The safety of the battalion is in your hands and above all else, you've got to make sure you're squad returns from combat with as few cuts, bruises and fatalities as possible. The upper echelons of the military would have you believe that death is a glorious business. In truth, there's nothing glorious about writhing around in the dirt as your mangled body gasps it's last. So, if you've got one ounce of common sense, you'll do what I did. Take your finely honed skills, leave the army, and sell your expertise to the highest bidder. It's three years now since I left, and thanks to three crackpot dictators, I've got a discrete Swiss bank account, a beach house in California and a string of actress girlfriends. The choice is simple, death and glory in the army or obscene amounts of money as a hired gun. If anyone wants to speek to me after this ceremony, I'll be in the bar."

THIRD SPEECH FROM THE VERY REVEREND MARTY 'BUNGLE' HODGSON

"God doesn't mind you killing people, as long as it's for a good cause. Thank you."

FINAL SPEECH FROM COLONEL MARION 'UP-HILL' THOMAS, COMMANDER IN CHIEF

"Well, gentlemen, you've served this fine country of ours to the best of your ability. I'm sure that you're all itching to get back into combat and will be re-enlisting after this ceremony. I'm pleased to tell you that your next tour of duty will be in the Arctic, where we'll be part of a UN peace keeping force based at Ice Station Permafrost. Our mission there will to be to patrol the beautiful, barren wilderness on the look out for invading forces, whaling ships, mining platforms and lost polar explorers. I look forward to seeing you all back here in two days time, ready for departure."

WHISPERED-UNDER-THE-BREATH SPEECH FROM SERGEANT MAJOR JOOLS

"Anyone see which way that S.A.S. geezer went?"