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These dark ages are populated by Knights and damsels in
distress. The Knights have deserted their round tables for
round huts guarding their land from you. No number of dragon
slayings will get them on your side. They are all out to
impress the sexy damsels. Who knows, perhaps if you can
splatter their insides across the kingdom, leaving their
carcases to rot, you too may get your chance with those
beautiful damsels who have been abandoned, locked in their
towers. Because this is before the invention of petrol,
you'll find mechanical dragons, witches, and wizards creating
all kinds of havoc. As you wander aimlessly around, admiring
the scenery and wondering why those aliens had sent you
here, you stumble across a man dressed in a cloak who is
threateningly yielding a large bazooka.......
"A Ha, I am the mystical, magical
wizard, and move too slowly and I'll blast you to pieces
with my medieval bazooka, or I'll rain mortar down on you
from my flying bubble. Your puny little guns are useless
against me and my knights.
We have a constant supply of fully trained
knights, thanks to our huts spread out all over the kingdom.
You have no chance - surrendor now, while you are still
alive."
Without hesitation, you hit him where it really
hurts, and run like hell. You run through a nearby forest,
to escape this crazed maniac. As you emerge from the other
side, you see a large, majestic castle, in the centre of
a large field, and surrounded by several knights huts. Two
knights stand guarding the castle, and from within the huts
you can hear men discussing and bragging about their dragon
slaying antics. Just as you are about to turn away, and
hide in the forest, you hear a desperate, muffled scream
in the distance. It
came from the castle and as you cast your eyes in it's direction,
you spy a pretty young damsel in distress. You can't resist
the urge to help out, and reach for your pockets. You find
an old grenade that you'd been keeping as a momento from
your old war days. Without hesitation you duck behind a
tree, pull out the pin, and chuck it at the nearby hut.
It goes up in a ball of flames. But this was
not a good move. Suddenly wave, after wave of knights are
puring out of the huts. You manage to hide yourself in deep
undergrowth, and, when a posse of knights wander into the
forest, you whip out your pistols, and fire round after
round of armour piercing bullets their way. They scream
out in pain, and fall to the floor. Quickly, you rush over
to them and strip them of their armoury. You don the armour,
and drop the visor, your fellow troupers do the same.
Revelling in your newfound disguise, you wander
across the field, laughing inside your armour at all the
knights who are still roaming around, looking for the guys
that wasted their hut. Four dead men lay outside the trashed
hut, blood pouring out of their armour.
So you wander over to the castle, walk past
the guards at the gate, exchanging a friendly greeting as
you pass, through the castle courtyards, and make your way
up the spiralling staircase, up to the top turrett. When
you reach the turrett, you find to your surprise, that the
door is open. You inform the guard on duty that you have
come to relieve him. He leaves without saying a word.
You explain to the damsel that you have been
sent back in time by some Alien b*****ds, and have come
to save her.
"Oh you poor things. And you risked
your lives to save me. Oh you're so brave and strong I must
reward you."
You insist that it really isn't necessary,
but when she starts to loosen her clothing, you start to
change your mind. You start to shed your armour, but it's
a slow process, and she's already down to her corset by
the time you've got rid of the metal suits. Just as the
final string on her corset comes loose, everything suddenly
turns black, you wonder what the hell is going on, and why
you've missed out on a moment of glory, and then it becomes
quite clear.
Damned aliens.................
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